tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3529725084811715233.post5678173060043067128..comments2024-03-04T13:30:37.333-08:00Comments on Mark Lawrence: Page 1 critique - "With Great Power" by Terri JonesMark Lawrencehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16877925828353073272noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3529725084811715233.post-55506182166667344512015-11-09T23:19:32.191-08:002015-11-09T23:19:32.191-08:00Completely agree. The hook is nonexistent. I almos...Completely agree. The hook is nonexistent. I almost didn't read through this single page, too much nothing going on there. Alec Elynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3529725084811715233.post-17592680664676589842015-11-09T22:38:28.876-08:002015-11-09T22:38:28.876-08:00What a useful critique! You've analysed it so...What a useful critique! You've analysed it so well. I'm just struggling with the first page of a story, so all your points have been taken on board :-) Off to re-write. Agnes Conwayhttp://agnesconway.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3529725084811715233.post-24832750627107039372015-11-09T15:06:15.426-08:002015-11-09T15:06:15.426-08:00Descriptions like unfocused, languid and ambient c...Descriptions like unfocused, languid and ambient came to mind as I was reading this. It's not really descriptive writing, and it doesn't really set a scene. Perhaps that is the intended effect. It seemed as though it was trying to establish the character's state of mind, or being, rather than telling the story. I don't know what an "intentional family," is. The introduction of multiple other characters gets in the way, although it's useful if we ever want recall their descriptions. The only one who might matter is Karen, if she's there when he wakes. There are a few too many incidental details that get in the way. We don't need to know about his relationship with his mother at this stage. You don't need too many disparate example to demonstrate that his sight is somehow different. He may indeed look at the needlepoint every time he goes to the toilet, but it's not the most useful information for the reader in this context. Whatever action he is performing should contain the thing that alerts him to his change of vision. You've given us two things, the change in sight, and the hand passing through the door. Either one could be the start of a mystery to explore and explain. I don't think both are needed together. One is obviously potentially more dramatic than the other. Just my brief thoughts, for what they are worth, and hopefully not repeating too much of what Mark has already said.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com