tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3529725084811715233.post9006729731991997034..comments2024-03-26T16:31:13.865-07:00Comments on Mark Lawrence: Page 1 critique - "City of Sons" by James ShoemakerMark Lawrencehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16877925828353073272noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3529725084811715233.post-87946815077146824502015-11-16T05:14:40.150-08:002015-11-16T05:14:40.150-08:00The opening reminded me too much of the opening in...The opening reminded me too much of the opening in the books of The Wheel of Time. Took me right out of the writing.<br /><br />Also, the SJWs would love to hate "Smithic merchants."<br /><br />Other than those points, I enjoyed the text. Would have liked some more info on this meeting that is going to take place too.Jimmynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3529725084811715233.post-15203665357783872042015-11-16T03:47:24.805-08:002015-11-16T03:47:24.805-08:00I think this is the start of something interesting...I think this is the start of something interesting, I'd continue to read if it was the first page of a book, but I'd be irritated by the north, south, east, west, south again, north again, is the gate facing west, oh yes it is because the wind is blowing east yawn yawn yawn. <br /><br />"suddenly the wind bursts against the body of a man, all of its energy dispersed around this cloaked impediment. The air chills. <br />Dakra Gandaris shivers and clutches the lapels of his cloak. " Has the wind burst against the body of some slightly magical man who manages to chill the air? Is this man a threat to Dakra Gandaris, who enters the scene in the next paragraph? What does Dakra Gandaris have to do with this mysterious man? Oh, hang on, is Dakra Gandaris the man that the wind burst against? <br /><br />Too much information about beeswax and tallow. <br /><br />Having griped at all that, I wouldn't be put off, it sounds like the start of a book I'd read<br /><br />Agnes Conwaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3529725084811715233.post-37660091218327304142015-11-16T03:19:06.750-08:002015-11-16T03:19:06.750-08:00Perhaps the chapter should just start in the taver...Perhaps the chapter should just start in the tavern, with Dakra fretting about the upcoming meeting. A sentence regarding the knife he carries could be a nice opening hook as it tells you immediatly that he is in danger.<br /><br />The world building before it is fine, but not terribly original or exiting, and should work better after we're drawn into the story and the character. The wind-thing is just too reminicent of the Wheel of time.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3529725084811715233.post-8737225368621692462015-11-16T02:56:40.883-08:002015-11-16T02:56:40.883-08:00"Pretty solid," sums it up. The opening..."Pretty solid," sums it up. The opening reminded me of Robert Jordan. The first paragraph is unnecessary. Opening with Dakra Gandaris would be fine, and I do find it useful to know that it's unusually cold. "Lifting his knees," makes the character sound slightly absurd, as thought he is marching, which I suspect was not the intention. "Mudbrick," amphorae are just wrong. The journey through the streets feels a bit too long to me. Too many incidental details that distract from the mood and momentum.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com