Page 1 critique - "Betrayal" by M. K. Ryan

I'm critiquing some page 1s - read about it here.

First the disclaimers.

It's very hard to separate one's tastes from a technical critique. There are page 1s from popular books with which I would find multiple faults. I didn't, for example, like page 1 of Terry Goodkind's Wizard's First Rule (I didn't pursue the rest of the book). But that book has 150,000+ ratings on Goodreads, a great average score of 4.12 and Goodkind is a #1 NYT bestseller. His first page clearly did a great job for many people.

I'm not always right *hushed gasp*. You will likely be able to find a successful and highly respected author who will tell you the opposite to practically every bit of advice I give. Possibly not the same author in each case though.

The art of receiving criticism is to take what's useful to you and discard the rest. You need sufficient confidence in your own vision/voice such that whilst criticism may cause you to adjust course you're not about to do a U-turn for anyone. If you act on every bit of advice you'll get crit-burn, your story will be pulled in different directions by different people. It will stop being yours and turn into some Frankenstein's monster that nobody will ever want to read.

Additionally - don't get hurt or look for revenge. The person critiquing you is almost always trying to help you (it's true in some groups there will be the occasional person who is jealous/mean/misguided but that's the exception, not the rule). That person has put in effort on your behalf. If they don't like your prose it's not personal - they didn't just slap your baby.


I've flicked through some of the pages looking for one where I have something to say - something that hopefully is useful to the author and to anyone else reading the post.


I've posted the unadulterated page first then again with comments inset and at the end.

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It was an odd thing, looking down the blade of a sword. The sun was high, glinting off the smooth metal and into my eyes. The tip of the sword pricked against my throat as I swallowed and contemplated the situation before me. I wasn’t even really sure how I’d gotten here, bandits fanned out in front of me and a raging river behind. Solo’s reins were frozen in my grip as she threw her head, picking up on my nervous energy. She’d thrown a shoe otherwise we’d still be running.

We had been out on a hunt when we were attacked. I worked as a horse trainer for Niall and Helen Byron. They bred some of the nicest horses and hunting hounds in eastern Atrea. It was my job to train the horses and bring any potential clients out on hunts to put the horses through their paces before they were purchased.

After an hour out in the woods, the hounds had picked up the scent and taken off in pursuit, our party hot on their heels. We were ambushed while crossing a small glade. The bandits had just appeared out of the woods, startling some of our horses. Neill yelled for us to run, I whistled to the horses closest to me and urged Solo back toward the farm. The bandits gave chase and I’d broken off from the group, hoping to draw them away from our clients.

Solo was fast, we should have been able to outrun any horse the bandits had.

But she’d tripped over the uneven ground and thrown a shoe. I’d gotten off and started leading her, hoping we had enough of a head start to get to the river and cross before the bandits caught up.

Obviously, that had not been the case.

The sword pricked my throat again as the man holding it shifted to take a step toward me. I stepped back, feeling the river bank crumble slightly under my heel.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” he said, stopping mid-step to see where I’d go. “A swim in the river at this point would be lethal. Come on, lass. We aren’t here to hurt you but we can’t have you running around telling people where we are.”

“Why do you care then? If it’s lethal then I definitely can’t tell anyone.” I edged back a little more, considering the chances I’d survive the tumultuous water.

“As I said, we don’t want anyone to get hurt. Besides,” he shot me a cheeky grin and a wink, “we wouldn’t want such a pretty face to go to waste.”

I grimaced at the line and glanced behind me at the rapids. The water foamed and misted over sharp rocks hidden just below the surface. A hundred yards downstream the water was calmer, we would have been able to ford the river at that point but not here in the rapids.

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It was an odd thing, looking down the blade of a sword.

I would be less passive. I don't want to get bogged down in technical definitions of passive, but here just changing the tense to make it a more general statement works for me.

It's an odd thing, looking down the blade of a sword.

Some immediate indication of which way it's pointed might be good too. 

The sun was high, glinting off the smooth metal and into my eyes.

Again - I would be less passive.

The noon-day sun glared from the metal into my eyes.

Or, involving the PoV more directly:

I narrowed my eyes against the sun's glare off the metal.

I would drop the 'smooth'. People know what swords are like. Save your adjectives for when you need 'em.

 The tip of the sword pricked against my throat as I swallowed and contemplated the situation before me.

The tip of the sword pricked against my throat 

We got here a little late. It could be the opener.

'As' connections are used too often. I do it. I would make this two sentences.

 I wasn’t even really sure how I’d gotten here, bandits fanned out in front of me and a raging river behind.

To me this read as if the bandits were fanning out at that moment.

 Solo’s reins were frozen in my grip as she threw her head, picking up on my nervous energy. She’d thrown a shoe otherwise we’d still be running.

All of a sudden there's a horse. I assume the character is riding the horse but I don't know.

As a non-horse person it sounds odd that losing a shoe would stop one being able to run. If pursued by bandits ... wouldn't you keep riding? Many readers may share my confusion on this point.

If the character is on the horse and it's nervous ... it sounds as if an accidental throat-stabbing is moments away.

We had been out on a hunt when we were attacked. I worked as a horse trainer for Niall and Helen Byron. They bred some of the nicest horses and hunting hounds in eastern Atrea. It was my job to train the horses and bring any potential clients out on hunts to put the horses through their paces before they were purchased.

After an hour out in the woods, the hounds had picked up the scent and taken off in pursuit, our party hot on their heels. We were ambushed while crossing a small glade. The bandits had just appeared out of the woods, startling some of our horses. Neill yelled for us to run, I whistled to the horses closest to me and urged Solo back toward the farm. The bandits gave chase and I’d broken off from the group, hoping to draw them away from our clients.

Solo was fast, we should have been able to outrun any horse the bandits had

This flashback takes a lot of pace out of the piece. It's too big. A couple of lines would be better. I don't need to know nearly so many details. He/she has a sword at their throat - that's the story.

We had been out on a hunt when they attacked. I lost the others back in the woods.

I don't need to know the surname of the people he/she works for right now. Also Niall/Neill changes his name. Or your two characters are too similarly named.

What would make this more real for me would be talk of the fear he/she felt, or the anger, or the thrill of thinking he/she was going to escape on this fast horse etc. Also 'bandits' is getting old. A few glimpses of them would help. How many? Ragged? Scary? Screaming? Is our PoV aware of their reputation? Utterly amazed to see bandits? Get us there, in the moment.

"Hot on their heels." is a bit tired.

But she’d tripped over the uneven ground and thrown a shoe. I’d gotten off and started leading her, hoping we had enough of a head start to get to the river and cross before the bandits caught up.

Again this issue with the shoe - our PoV should at least rule out continuing to ride. Does he/she value the horse's well-being above their own life?

Obviously, that had not been the case.

Redundant. I would cut this line.

The sword pricked my throat again as the man holding it shifted to take a step toward me. I stepped back, feeling the river bank crumble slightly under my heel.

OK, so he/she is definitely on foot.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” he said, stopping mid-step to see where I’d go. “A swim in the river at this point would be lethal. Come on, lass. We aren’t here to hurt you but we can’t have you running around telling people where we are.”

So our character is female. This could have been established with an "Easy, lass." right after the first sword pricking. It helps to visualize the scene and ground the reader.

"A swim in the river at this point would be lethal." Sounds a bit awkward to me.

If "telling where we are" was their concern ... then how about just "not attacking/surprising" these people in the first place? 

“Why do you care then? If it’s lethal then I definitely can’t tell anyone.” I edged back a little more, considering the chances I’d survive the tumultuous water.

“As I said, we don’t want anyone to get hurt. Besides,” he shot me a cheeky grin and a wink, “we wouldn’t want such a pretty face to go to waste.”

When you interrupt dialogue with action but no speech tag the rules change - I would double check what you've got here.

I grimaced at the line and glanced behind me at the rapids. The water foamed and misted over sharp rocks hidden just below the surface. A hundred yards downstream the water was calmer, we would have been able to ford the river at that point but not here in the rapids.

I think this is the third mention of the river? Probably want to move on.

Does she know this river - it seems like it because she knows there are sharp rocks but she can't see them.

Would she really be grimacing at the line rather than the sword and the raging river?

++++++++++++

For me this is a decent page 1 which could well hook the reader with its immediate imperilment of the character. I think it could do considerably more though.

There are more opportunities for dialogue - a line at the start to establish the character's gender. A line or two in the forest flashback to replace exposition. Tighter, less wordy lines at the end.

The main opportunity though I would say is to put us more in the character's head. I have no idea if she is terrified, more angry than scared, quietly confident ... I don't know if escape is her only thought, if she's worried about the other two, if she has any idea what's going on etc. Is she armed? Is fighting an option?

I would like to have more of a sense of being there - is she exhausted after the chase? Sweaty? Hurting? Drop me a hint of description here and there - the sun through the forest canopy as she gallops through - the smell of the horse - the sound of the rapids etc.

I'm asking for a lot in 1 page, but I'm asking for it in efficient short single lines and saying you should cut the exposition about Helen Byron, potential clients, etc to make room.

Hope there's some help here!