WWJD?

What Would Jorg Do?

Introducing a new online counselling service wherein Jorg offers advice on matters as diverse as relationships, careers, and the destruction of one's enemies.

You're welcome to enter your questions in the comment section below, and Jorg will address them in a thoughtful and sympathetic manner when and if he can be bothered.

Watch this space.

This one here ---->


A Question from Denmark:

Dear Jorg,

My nefarious uncle killed my father, married my mother and dispossessed me of my rightful inheritance I initially planned to stab him while he prayed in church but thought "you know.... that's probably too good for him". Now I mope about the palace and get all emo with my crazy girlfriend. I think I could be happy if I forget about the past. Who knows, maybe i could go to dental school! Should I get on with my life or embark on self-destructive roaring rampage of revenge?

Sincerely,
Prince H. 

Jorg says:

Three things, Prince Hamlet. First, do not under any circumstances accidentally murder your girlfriend's father. Probably best not to do it on purpose either. These crazy types can be unstable. Secondly, watch out for poison. In the ear, in a cup, on a sword, wherever - just make sure you have a big jug of antidote on hand at all times. Thirdly, killing is always too good for treacherous uncles. Any good castle should have a nice deep torture pit somewhere. If you have trouble locating yours try consulting the manufacturer's website. Often they're on the underneath.

*****

Dear Prince Honorous Jorg Ancrath,

My professor of medieval literature gave me a B when I should have received an A. However, I am fond of the little man. I want him to suffer but I also want to have him live. I have thought about putting laxative in his coffee or perhaps to slash the tires of his car or perhaps I'll put some sugar in his gas tank. You know, things that would spoil his week but not hurt him too much. What would you do? 

Warmest regards,

Vivian's evil twin sister.


Jorg says:

Vivian - you're thinking in the right direction but lacking finesse. Firstly it's important the the error that has occasioned your anger is corrected. Secondly, context is always important in revenge situations. 

Capture your medieval literature professor and take him to a suitable medieval torture facility - such as the London Dungeon after hours. Strap the prisoner into a suitable correctional device and offer him the chance to regrade your paper. Remember to use the line given to us by the immortal Marcellus Wallace  I'ma get medieval on your ass.. Once the A has been delivered you may proceed to give as much correctional torture as you see fit.

****

Anonymous says

Dear Jorg,
I've recently become a manager in my job as an archivist. I have a compulsively lying disobedient fool on my team who will do pretty much any task other than the one I have assigned him. How should I handle this? Perhaps igniting a builders sun over his part of London?


Jorg says:

If you're the kind of archivist they have in the Natural History Museum, the kind that stores lots of little samples away in thousands of tiny drawers, then the solution is simple. Cut the offending team member into a great number of small pieces, label each, and store them in the appropriate drawers, ensuring that the labels are sufficiently boring to dissuade inspection, and that the reference codes don't appear in the main index.

An alternative, if you're the boring paper-based kind of archivist, is to tell the team member that they have been promoted, and that their new official job title is Compulsively Lying Disobedient Fool. The physical side of the punishment will have to rely on the tools of your trade. Immobilise the CLDF with sticky tape, then administer an appropriate number of paper cuts. You may have to use the stapler and scissors too if the problem continues.