Page 1 critique - "WC513" by Mike Hillcoat

I'm critiquing some page 1s - read about it here.

First the disclaimers.

It's very hard to separate one's tastes from a technical critique. There are page 1s from popular books with which I would find multiple faults. I didn't, for example, like page 1 of Terry Goodkind's Wizard's First Rule (I didn't pursue the rest of the book). But that book has 150,000+ ratings on Goodreads, a great average score of 4.12 and Goodkind is a #1 NYT bestseller. His first page clearly did a great job for many people.

I'm not always right *hushed gasp*. You will likely be able to find a successful and highly respected author who will tell you the opposite to practically every bit of advice I give. Possibly not the same author in each case though.

The art of receiving criticism is to take what's useful to you and discard the rest. You need sufficient confidence in your own vision/voice such that whilst criticism may cause you to adjust course you're not about to do a U-turn for anyone. If you act on every bit of advice you'll get crit-burn, your story will be pulled in different directions by different people. It will stop being yours and turn into some Frankenstein's monster that nobody will ever want to read.

Additionally - don't get hurt or look for revenge. The person critiquing you is almost always trying to help you (it's true in some groups there will be the occasional person who is jealous/mean/misguided but that's the exception, not the rule). That person has put in effort on your behalf. If they don't like your prose it's not personal - they didn't just slap your baby.


I've flicked through some of the pages looking for one where I have something to say - something that hopefully is useful to the author and to anyone else reading the post.


I've posted the unadulterated page first then again with comments inset and at the end.

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Prologue

Dancing candles sent shadows flickering.

The man who called himself Grouvz stood before Hanulib in his private quarters. Grouvz’s manner had always bothered the Magnate. It was more than his strange clothing, the long grey cloak he wore covering layers of deep black tunic and leggings of a fabric that looked visibly soft. His headdress like an overturned bowl and the short hair atop his crown, cut in a style unlike the fashion of the Tribes or Cities of Ellnive. He not only looked out of place but seemed of a time not yet borne, at odds with the elegant tiles and reliefs of the Magnate’s chambers, the ornately carved wheel of candles, which hung above them.

            Grouvz…

            Hanulib idly wondered, as he did, if Grouvz might hail from the Deep Easts, where the Kalimas in the North fell from the sky and the Greater World and the East Kingdom were joined. But he had decided the strangeness arose from Grouvz’s offer, which enticed him beyond all measure. Hanulib raised hands from flowing robes and clasped them, resting his chin on his knuckles, thinking deeply.

            Moments passed.

“I think you a student of simple power,” he said at length. Grouvz betrayed nothing save a small grin, seeming at once imposing and unconcerned.

            “I once was, Magnate, I once was,” Grouvz said, shrugging his shoulders but keeping his strong poise, hands behind his back. The man seemed a predatory creature, concealed in the garments of a jester. “Then I met… men, of a kind, from lands far away. I became their willing servant, humbly accepting their mastery. Now I wish only to spend what life I have left to live accomplishing their bidding.”

            The horror of what Grouvz had told him coming to pass...

“You cannot think… this can’t… it’s impossible. It won’t happen!” Hanulib said, his voice stretching to a shriek. “The Inquisition fought their war for Eastern Jurel and won. You waste my time.”

Rather than respond immediately, Grouvz the silence eat at the Magnate’s conviction. If nothing else, the riches this man spoke of demanded consideration. Riches to drown cities and souls. Who was Hanulib to cast them away?

            “Are not the hearts of all men so simple, Magnate? The Merchant Council will purchase the support of the City Watch. The Inquisition may have won these lands but they will not hold them. You, Magnate, are the lever. Though the East Kingdom has never considered it, Magnate, you are the fulcrum of their power. The portal through which they rule,” Grouvz said.

            Hanulib was not a fool. The Council would cast him out if he did not accept Grouvz’s offer. But at what true cost?

“Why should I do this for you?” Hanulib asked. Grouvz smiled something wicked.

            “I offer you coin, Magnate. Isn’t that all we desire?”

            Simple coin. But the man offered him the key to all earthly ambitions.

            “You offer me the wealth of whole cities, tribes, kingdoms. And all you wish for me to do is wrest control of Eastern Jurel from the East Kingdom’s Inquisitors?”

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This page came with the request: PLEASE BE RELENTLESS AND BRUTAL

Prologue

Dancing candles sent shadows flickering.

It's pretty enough but it's not a great first line. It begs no questions. It's a generic setting line. Shadows and candles ... and?

The man who called himself Grouvz stood before Hanulib in his private quarters. 

This would be a better opener. Not great, but better. Why waste 5 word on 'the man who called himself'? There's nothing in what follows to suggest he isn't called Grouvz, nor does any doubt established over his name serve any purpose on this page.

Grouvz is a painful name to pronounce - you may have gone too fantasy there.

Grouvz’s manner had always bothered the Magnate.

So ... the man who had always called himself Grouvz? That seems even more evidence for him being ... Grouvz.

 It was more than his strange clothing, the long grey cloak he wore covering layers of deep black tunic and leggings of a fabric that looked visibly soft. His headdress like an overturned bowl and the short hair atop his crown, cut in a style unlike the fashion of the Tribes or Cities of Ellnive. He not only looked out of place but seemed of a time not yet borne (born?), at odds with the elegant tiles and reliefs of the Magnate’s chambers, the ornately carved wheel of candles, which hung above them.

Here you spend a whole paragraph on page 1 describing this guy who so far means nothing to me.

The fact his sartorial tastes don't match the Magnate's decor doesn't seem too much of a crime...

Rather than tell us his haircut doesn't match the fashion of the Tribes or Ellnive ... tell me what it does match? I don't know what the Tribes or Ellnive are.  I don't know if the Magnate belongs to either.

When it comes to description words like 'elegant' or 'ornately' are pretty blah/generic. I'm sure I'm guilty of using them, but they don't offer that much. They also seem slightly at odds. I guess my main gripe though is that I don't really care about the ornateness of the candle wheels - page 1 is where you give me reasons to care, reasons to turn to page 2.

            Grouvz…

            Hanulib idly wondered, as he did, if Grouvz might hail from the Deep Easts, where the Kalimas in the North fell from the sky and the Greater World and the East Kingdom were joined. 

Hanulib (it would be better to stick with his name or his rank rather than bouncing between them) shouldn't be wondering idly on page 1. Page 1 is not a place for idle. Make it IMPORTANT. Either way 'as he did' has no place in your writing. That pulls me right out and reminds me this is a story and someone is telling it.

A Magnate sounds important. A man whose manner had always annoyed him and who dresses distinctively ... shouldn't he know where he hails from? And if he must wonder then don't turn it into a geography lesson. Hanulib is not thinking his thoughts to educate the reader and as soon as he does (Mark thought of his home in Bristol, not far from the Welsh border, that land which stretches to the Irish sea that washes about the divided isle of emerald) it becomes obvious and distances the reader.

But he had decided the strangeness arose from Grouvz’s offer, which enticed him beyond all measure. 

The strangeness that has always bothered him arises from the offer the man has just made?

'enticed him beyond all measure' feels over-written in context.

Hanulib raised (his?) hands from flowing robes and clasped them, resting his chin on his knuckles, thinking deeply.

            Moments passed.

Rather too much mechanical detail. You need to be taking hold of the reader. You're spending hugely valuable page one real-estate on taking out hands, clasping hands, resting chin on knuckles ... and then passing moments.

Hanulib rested his chin upon his hands.  -- if you must.

“I think you (are?) a student of simple power,” he said at length.

I'm not sure this was worth the wait. It doesn't make much sense to me.

 Grouvz betrayed nothing save a small grin, seeming at once imposing and unconcerned.

WAY too much ornamentation. This says 'Grouvz gave a small grin.' Don't layer it with so much reading into it - unless that turns out to be Hanulib's important super-power.

            “I once was, Magnate, I once was,” Grouvz said, shrugging his shoulders but keeping his strong poise, hands behind his back. The man seemed a predatory creature, concealed in the garments of a jester. 

OK

“Then I met… men, of a kind, from lands far away. I became their willing servant, humbly accepting their mastery. Now I wish only to spend what life I have left to live accomplishing their bidding.”

OK

            The horror of what Grouvz had told him coming to pass...

What? This sentence doesn't make sense grammatically. It doesn't make sense in the context of what we've seen so far either. What Grouvz told him just then? a) not apparently horrific b) coming to pass 0.5 seconds later ... or at some previous time we didn't see?  a) cheating b) confusing. 

“You cannot think… this can’t… it’s impossible. It won’t happen!” Hanulib said, his voice stretching to a shriek. “The Inquisition fought their war for Eastern Jurel and won. You waste my time.”

I don't mind not knowing what's going on with part of a conversation but here I feel I don't have the information to understand any of it. Additionally the insufficient information I am being offered feels like an info-dump. I expect both these men know 'the Inquisition fought their war for Eastern Jurel and won' ... so why say it?

Moreover ... Eastern Jurel? You took the time to load me up with the Deep Easts, The Eastern Kingdom, Kalimas, the Tribes, and the cities of Ellnas ... and none of that helps me ... we're talking about Eastern Jurel now!

Rather than respond immediately, Grouvz (let?) the silence eat at the Magnate’s conviction. If nothing else, the riches this man spoke of demanded consideration. Riches to drown cities and souls. Who was Hanulib to cast them away?

It's hard to know whose point-of-view we're in here. 

What riches? Nobody has mentioned riches... 

'drown cities and souls' feels over-written here.

            “Are not the hearts of all men so simple, Magnate? The Merchant Council will purchase the support of the City Watch. The Inquisition may have won these lands but they will not hold them. You, Magnate, are the lever. Though the East Kingdom has never considered it, Magnate, you are the fulcrum of their power. The portal through which they rule,” Grouvz said.

So we seem to have dropped into the middle of a conversation and as readers are being forced to reconstruct the important part that we missed...

Why not let us arrive a little earlier and hear the important portion? 

But my interpretation doesn't make sense - if the Magnate had already been offered load of money to betray his (conquerors?) he wouldn't be idly wondering about his guest's origins and studying the fashion of his hair cut... so when was this offer made? I'm lost!

Also ... Hanilub is a lever and a fulcrum and a portal? Too much.

            Hanulib was not a fool. The Council would cast him out if he did not accept Grouvz’s offer. But at what true cost?

Who are the merchant council? How did they know about this? What's a true cost? I'm even more lost than I was a few lines back.

“Why should I do this for you?” Hanulib asked. 

I thought we'd established 'riches enough to drown cities and souls' ... what's he asking?

Grouvz smiled something wicked.

This is either colloquial language which doesn't sit well (Dude! that hurt something wicked.), or just poorly worded.

            “I offer you coin, Magnate. Isn’t that all we desire?”

            Simple coin. But the man offered him the key to all earthly ambitions.

This is hard to parse but I'm reading it as Hanulib, who already knew he was being offered wealth, now understanding a second time that he's being offered lots of money (for services that aren't very clear) and equating coins to the key to all earthly ambitions.

Hanulib is welcome to be wrong - but the idea that many earthly things worth having can't be purchased is quite a common one.

            “You offer me the wealth of whole cities, tribes, kingdoms. And all you wish for me to do is wrest control of Eastern Jurel from the East Kingdom’s Inquisitors?”

So this could quite easily have been line 1. Sitting here it feels like repetition for the 3rd time at least. I still have no idea where Eastern Jurel is (though I'm starting to think they're sitting in it) or who the East Kingdom's Inquisitors are to Hanulib or why everything has to be east.

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So, since you asked for brutality...

...this doesn't work.

You've dropped us into the plot rather than into the story. They are not the same thing. Moreover, the plot is deeply confused.

The conversation doesn't flow. Several lines are spent on simple mechanics one moment, and the next moment we spend too many words deconstructing a grin. We get almost no insight into the PoV's state of mind, aspirations, worries etc. We're laden with the names of strange places and given no way to connect them or attach meaning to them...

You failed to make me care about either of the two people involved and hence about the things that they are doing.

Hanilub is our PoV. Does he want to throw the Inquisitors out of East Jurel? Does he want a lot of money? Is he married? Children? Cowardly? War-like? Is he worried that if he accepts the money he'll fail and die horribly? Does he trust this man? Why? Why not? Is he old? Young? Is he happy with his life and wants this all to go away? Is he unhappy and this is a great opportunity? Did the Inquisitors hang his grandmother? 

Bottom line: He has to want something and have a reason for wanting it. That's fundamental - without that you've no chance of making me care about him.

You can certainly start a story in the middle of some important negotiation - if it's the kind of story that demands it - but then you'll need to skill to simultaneously paint both parties as human and interesting, and to show us what's at stake on a personal level as well as politically. That's very difficult to do.

This is why I often advise starting with a character in a relatively simple situation, including some threat/action that is easy to grasp and interesting, and to let that character hook us _before_ they walk into the war-room or whatever it is that's going to draw us with them into the big picture (if it's a big picture book).

As this stands it's two name-tags exchanging awkward and conflicting dialogue about some name-tag places.  And that won't fly. In my view.