Page 1 critique - "Untitled" by John Rehn

I'm critiquing some page 1s - read about it here.

First the disclaimers.

It's very hard to separate one's tastes from a technical critique. There are page 1s from popular books with which I would find multiple faults. I didn't, for example, like page 1 of Terry Goodkind's Wizard's First Rule (I didn't pursue the rest of the book). But that book has 150,000+ ratings on Goodreads, a great average score of 4.12 and Goodkind is a #1 NYT bestseller. His first page clearly did a great job for many people.

I'm not always right *hushed gasp*. You will likely be able to find a successful and highly respected author who will tell you the opposite to practically every bit of advice I give. Possibly not the same author in each case though.

The art of receiving criticism is to take what's useful to you and discard the rest. You need sufficient confidence in your own vision/voice such that whilst criticism may cause you to adjust course you're not about to do a U-turn for anyone. If you act on every bit of advice you'll get crit-burn, your story will be pulled in different directions by different people. It will stop being yours and turn into some Frankenstein's monster that nobody will ever want to read.

Additionally - don't get hurt or look for revenge. The person critiquing you is almost always trying to help you (it's true in some groups there will be the occasional person who is jealous/mean/misguided but that's the exception, not the rule). That person has put in effort on your behalf. If they don't like your prose it's not personal - they didn't just slap your baby.


I've flicked through some of the pages looking for one where I have something to say - something that hopefully is useful to the author and to anyone else reading the post.


I've posted the unadulterated page first then again with comments inset and at the end.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Howls from Aevor’Tols ripped the air, climbing louder, and the forest trembled. Not even the large campfire I sat by could keep those lurking beasts at bay..I reached for my Scarlet Dawn that laid beside me on the soft moss, the short, crimson barrel glimmering in the light of the fire. It wouldn’t do much against the giant Aevor’Tol wolves that patrolled the large forest. A volley of 33mm rounds from my handgun would only send the wolves into a killing rage. Even so, I always felt safe to have it nearby and ready to fire. It had a regular seven round magazine, but the grip was smooth Nëalir black yew, and it fit my hand like it was meant to be there. Exactly like a glove.

My Paragon stood lifeless beside a tree, it’s hatch open and waiting. It was a powersuit, and the pinnacle of Mal’avan military technology, and its jet-black camouflage was reflected in the light of the fire.

Vibration shook the ground as I stood up, and if it wasn’t for my scaled dragon-tail I would have lost my balance. Fuck! So they are less than a kilometre away now. This close?

The tremors under my feet intensified. I hurried over to my powersuit and climbed into it. Putting on my helmet, the interior of my visor blinked to life and my surroundings were now a backdrop against the details of the suit’s heads-up-display. My eyes fixated on the remaining fuel displayed on the faceplate. Eighty percent, roughly twenty hours worth of action in the Paragon. It was enough to get away and join up with my squad to finish our mission and return home.

I began running to the edge of the Nëalir forest, where the landscape opened up to green hills and plains. The greatsword sheathed on my back didn’t even obstruct any of my movements.

A howl shuddered through the forest. Several red dots on my heads-up display map revealed movements about three-hundred meters back, and they were catching up fast. I wasn’t more than thirty meter away from the edge of the forest when something crashed into my side from the right. My heads-up display motion sensor hadn’t even noticed it. I struggled to keep myself straight as I saw it was another Paragon that tumbled right into a tree.

‘What the fuck!’ shouted the Ama’lan through the contact comm. ‘Didn’t you see my location on the damn map?’

‘Calm down you idiot!’ I snapped back, ‘Get up unless you want to be the midnight snack for these damned Elder Gods. We either flee out on the plains or we take stand here and fight.’

The Ama’lan Paragon struggled to get up. Perhaps our crash had skewed something in the machinery in her Paragon.

‘You will have to pay for this,’ the soldier growled. ‘Now help me up.’

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Howls from Aevor’Tols ripped the air, climbing louder, and the forest trembled.

It's capitalized - I'm going to assume it's a person's name. A fan'tasy name.

Not even the large campfire I sat by could keep those lurking beasts at bay.(.)

So why are they capitalized? If they were wolves or lions they wouldn't be.

'Lurking' seems at odds with 'howls'.

I reached for my Scarlet Dawn that laid beside me on the soft moss, the short, crimson barrel glimmering in the light of the fire.

To be honest it would be a lot easier to call it a pistol or similar. A lengthy name like that is likely to be abbreviated in common use in any case.

I'm curious why any manufacturer would make a gun crimson, but curious is good.

Moss is generally soft - save your adjectives for situations where they inform rather than are redundant.

It wouldn’t do much against the giant Aevor’Tol wolves that patrolled the large forest. A volley of 33mm rounds from my handgun would only send the wolves into a killing rage.

I now have the impression that the weapon is both hi-tech and fairly useless. Any animal that is small enough to move freely in a forest (of typical type) is going to be in a lot of trouble if hit by a volley of regular gunfire.

Even so, I always felt safe to have it nearby and ready to fire. It had a regular seven round magazine, but the grip was smooth Nëalir black yew, and it fit my hand like it was meant to be there. Exactly like a glove.

I'm not sure what 'Nëalir' is adding when I'm also told it's black and yew.

I'm unclear how the 'but' is operating here - I don't see the conflict.

Like a glove maybe. Exactly like a glove points me towards something you put on and enfolds your hand.

My Paragon stood lifeless beside a tree, it’s its hatch open and waiting. It was a powersuit, and the pinnacle of Mal’avan military technology, and its jet-black camouflage was reflected in the light of the fire.

A lot of Brand Name stuff on page 1.

A story is generally much more compelling if the information comes at the reader sideways rather than as instruction. 

Rather than 'it was a powersuit' - which is a lesson directed at me and distancing...

-The powersuit reflected the firelight.

Rather than 'it was <snip> the pinnacle of Mal'avan military technology'

-the pinnacle of Mal'avan military technology propped carelessly against a tree

The point being not the exact words but that a small thing, losing 'it was' turns the information from lesson to part of the narrative flow.

>and its jet-black camouflage was reflected in the light of the fire.

This is just wrongly worded. You can't reflect things in the light of a fire.

As a side note, shiny camouflage sounds like very poor camouflage. Also, jet-black is ... jet-black rather than camouflage. It's mono-tone and unless all the trees are black ... not a great job of camouflage.

Vibration shook the ground as I stood up,

This is a tautology - The ground shook as I stood up.

and if it wasn’t for my scaled dragon-tail I would have lost my balance. Fuck!

This is heavy-handed, for the reader. A regular human character wouldn't say 'if it wasn't for my second leg I would have fallen over'. Introduce the fact he has a tail with an action that requires its mention or where it serves as valid description.

-I swung my tail to ...

-I sprinted off, tail thrashing.

So they are less than a kilometre kilometer away now. This close?

The tremors under my feet intensified. I hurried over to my powersuit and climbed into it.

The ground shaking is a common misconception (I believe) coming to us from pop-culture - think Jurassic Park, Troll Hunter etc.

The fact is (I think) that you can drop 1000kg weights on regular ground and feel no tremors 20m away. Unless they're detonating sizable charges of dynamite a kilometer away you're unlikely to feel it through your feet.

Putting on my helmet, the interior of my visor blinked to life and my surroundings were now a backdrop against the details of the suit’s heads-up-display. My eyes fixated on the remaining fuel displayed on the faceplate. Eighty percent, roughly twenty hours worth of action in the Paragon. It was enough to get away and join up with my squad to finish our mission and return home.

I began running to the edge of the Nëalir forest,

So Nëalir is the name of the forest ... and his gun's grip was made from a black yew felled in this particular forest?

where the landscape opened up to green hills and plains.

You'd think it would be one or the other...

The greatsword sheathed on my back didn’t even obstruct any of my movements.

Mention things when they impinge on something. Here you're mentioning something that he doesn't notice. He's carried it about before - it's no surprise to him. This is 'for the camera' and it reminds us that it's just a story.

A howl shuddered through the forest. Several red dots on my heads-up display map revealed movements about three-hundred meters back, and they were catching up fast. I wasn’t more than thirty meter away from the edge of the forest when something crashed into my side from the right. My heads-up display motion sensor hadn’t even noticed it.

This seems to be a majorly crappy heads-up display... Motion sensors don't 'notice' things - they work or don't work, perhaps 'whatever it was the object hadn't registered on my display'.

I struggled to keep myself straight as I saw it was another Paragon that tumbled right into a tree.

‘What the fuck!’ shouted the Ama’lan through the contact comm. 

Ama'lan is just confusing here. What is it?

‘Didn’t you see my location on the damn map?’

Didn't he? You'd think he would...

‘Calm down you idiot!’ I snapped back, ‘Get up unless you want to be the midnight snack for these damned Elder Gods. We either flee out on the plains or we take our stand here and fight.’

Why are we changing their name? They were Aevor'Tols before, then giant wolves ... now they're Elder Gods (elder gods?)?

Surely the newcomer also has the red dots on their Paragon's display and felt the vibrations (which now that the wolves are three times closer should be ~10x more violent...)?

This conversation seems odd.

Also ... why would he have run toward the edge of the forest unless he wanted to make his stand outside it?

The Ama’lan Paragon struggled to get up. Perhaps our crash had skewed something in the machinery in her Paragon.

The word 'Paragon' is being over-used.

Also, this power-armour is sounding shittier by the second!

‘You will have to pay for this,’ the soldier growled. ‘Now help me up.’

Contractions are common in dialogue - You'll have to pay...

+++++++++++++

For me this was a bit confused. I'm left wondering why he lit a fire? To stay warm? Unlikely - he has a battle suit - to scare off giant wolves? No, because he said it wouldn't do that. To attract the wolves? No, because he's running away from them. So why?

On the face of it this page 1 hits a lot of the right buttons - it starts with simple action (he's running away) and we get some setting and world building illuminated by the necessary activities (arming up, running away). He has a problem (giant wolves) and a new friend.

All good.

The problem with it for me is that it seems over-eager to educate me about a bunch of not-particularly exciting technology and the problem is both rather simple and a little confusing.

I'm left with questions, which is good, but they're more to do with me questioning the text than anticipating exciting answers.

Additionally, there's nothing given to me about the character either through their desires or voice that makes me interested in them as a person. It's hard to sell a reader on a character on page 1 but it can be done. Is our man cowardly or blood thirsty? Is he excited? Surprised? Show us a sense of humour or a grievance. What's his investment here? Why should I care about him?  .... is he in fact a he?

I've laid down a lot of red ink here, but there are good things on the page too. You have decent story bones here. I just think there are quite a few areas that would need to be tightened up if you're to deny the reader the chance to shrug and move on.

I hope there's some help here.