Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Obey the stars - your horoscope book!

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) Your creativity and ability to effortlessly invent has turned you into an inveterate liar and a sexual deviant. You're prone to repeatedly making stupid mistakes and the main reason for this is your stupidity. You think people like you ... but they don't.

Gemstone: Asphalt
Spirit Animal: Wombat
Ideal Fantasy Book: The Name of the Wind


Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You're an early adopter and great adventurer, holding lesser mortals in contempt. With Piscean generosity you're swift to offer advice and criticise others' efforts. Everyone considers you to be full of hot air and shit in equal measures. They are not wrong.

Gemstone: Asbestos
Spirit Animal: Lung-worm
Ideal Fantasy Book: The Lies of Locke Lamora


Aries  (Mar 23 - April 22) All conspiracy theorists are Aries. You have a vivid imagination and are prone to hallucination. You are capable of abusing the smallest amount of power and your friends hate you. Ideally you would be a receptionist. Elevation to higher levels of authority invariably leads to assassination. Your self-confidence can crack rocks. The most common adjective associated with Aries is 'douchey'.

Gemstone: Coprolite
Spirit Animal: Sponge
Ideal Book: Prince of Thorns

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) "Prone to breaking things." This is the nicest thing ever said about a Taurean (by E.J White, 1907). You are stubborn and ill-tempered with an aversion to hygiene. People born under this sign are always republicans. Ambitions include killing poor people for sport.

Gemstone: Chewing Gum
Spirit Animal: Beef
Ideal Book: Malice


Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are clever and silver-tongued. Geminis are often good looking. Your capacity for betrayal is hampered only by chronic laziness. Most Geminis die in prison. You are bisexual.

Gemstone: Cubic Zirconia
Spirit Animal: Chicken
Ideal Book: A Game of Thrones


Cancer (June 23 - July 22)  You are a positive go-getter. A lack of talent often leaves you relying on the generosity of others. Common Cancer professions include beggar, prostitute, and golf-pro. Those born under the sign of Cancer are famed for their stinginess, with wallet opening being an annual event. Most incest is committed by Cancers. 

Gemstone: Coal
Spirit Animal: Sperm Whale
Ideal Book: The Colour of Magic

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You believe yourself to be a born leader. This belief is not shared by others. Bestiality is common among Leos as is accountancy. The most common age for Leos to die is 37, on a Tuesday. Leos are always short. Leo men have small penises.

Gemstone: Ice
Spirit Animal: Elderly flatulent lion 
Ideal Book: Blood Song

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are a flexible and highly motivated individual. Virgos are thieves and murderers. All Virgos have tattoos. As an egotist you are unable to accept criticism and live in a world of your own imagination. People hate you because you're arrogant.

Gemstone: Plastic
Spirit Animal: Mole-rat 
Ideal Book: Lord of the Rings


Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Your artistic tendencies combined with poor manual dexterity mean that you will fail in most enterprises. Librans generally die of venereal disease, usually because of stupidity rather than promiscuity. Many Librans become parking attendants. No Libran has ever lived past age 56.

Gemstone: Kidney Stone
Spirit Animal: Slow-worm 
Ideal Book: A Wizard of Earthsea                          


Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are born under the sign of evil. Your ruthless approach to life means that by the time you are murdered you will have killed an average of six people. Ethically you are closer to the honey badger than the scorpion. You are cold and distant and prone to falling asleep during foreplay. Scorpios go bald early.

Gemstone: Bezoar
Spirit Animal: Weevil
Ideal Book: Lord Foul's Bane


Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You're always ready to lend a helping hand and listen to other people's problems. Expect to be taken advantage of as everyone else is a bastard. You will be an alcoholic by the time you are 30. Do not become a social worker. You drive a really old station-wagon, or wish you could. Capricorns hate you because you stole their spirit animal.

Gemstone: Gravel
Spirit Animal: Goat
Ideal Book: Magician 


Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) All Capricorns are cowards. Your pedantry makes you the most likely to be killed for food in any disaster scenario. Capricorns have been eaten when elevators become temporarily stuck between floors. Capricorns are famous bores and can empty most rooms with half an anecdote. You have haemorrhoids. 

Gemstone: Mudstone
Spirit Animal: Tapeworm 
Ideal Book: Assassin's Apprentice



  1. That's a wonderful post; Thank God I turned to have "Lord of the Rings"...

  2. I'm not really a coward or a bore... honestly!

  3. Taste my asphalt ring, you mother grabbers! Ka-pow!

  4. I am a virgo.. but no tattoos and no arrogance and I am very social and likeable. I can handle criticism be said truely and factual based.

    1. You're handling this criticism very poorly :p

      And we can all see you're too arrogant to admit to those tattoos of yours!

  5. I am not a positive go-getter! But the rest is pretty spot on!

  6. Ouch, I only have three more years to live?

    Well, better get the party going right now then.

  7. So my ideal book is the one book on the list I haven't read. Hmmm.

  8. I resent the implication that my self confidence is limited to cracking rocks. It could easily crack a mountain.

  9. I am a busy person, I need my rest. I can't be expected to teach them how to make foreplay interesting, too.