Tuesday 10 November 2015

Page 1 critique - "Nescada" by Knicky Laurel

I'm critiquing some page 1s - read about it here.

First the disclaimers.

It's very hard to separate one's tastes from a technical critique. There are page 1s from popular books with which I would find multiple faults. I didn't, for example, like page 1 of Terry Goodkind's Wizard's First Rule (I didn't pursue the rest of the book). But that book has 150,000+ ratings on Goodreads, a great average score of 4.12 and Goodkind is a #1 NYT bestseller. His first page clearly did a great job for many people.

I'm not always right *hushed gasp*. You will likely be able to find a successful and highly respected author who will tell you the opposite to practically every bit of advice I give. Possibly not the same author in each case though.

The art of receiving criticism is to take what's useful to you and discard the rest. You need sufficient confidence in your own vision/voice such that whilst criticism may cause you to adjust course you're not about to do a U-turn for anyone. If you act on every bit of advice you'll get crit-burn, your story will be pulled in different directions by different people. It will stop being yours and turn into some Frankenstein's monster that nobody will ever want to read.

Additionally - don't get hurt or look for revenge. The person critiquing you is almost always trying to help you (it's true in some groups there will be the occasional person who is jealous/mean/misguided but that's the exception, not the rule). That person has put in effort on your behalf. If they don't like your prose it's not personal - they didn't just slap your baby.


I've flicked through some of the pages looking for one where I have something to say - something that hopefully is useful to the author and to anyone else reading the post.


I've posted the unadulterated page first then again with comments inset and at the end.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




1 “THE ECHO OF FALLING SNOW.”





Present. 87,500 FA

Moon Lurei. Castle Losgunna

What is the nature of white? Is it the absence of colour or the culmination of it? Is it the innocence of a flower or is it the death of the moon at the end of each day? Is it the ice of snow or is it the fire of sand? Is it the silver edge of soul and vision or the dulled and blunted neath-lands of a mind devoid of colour? White is a mystery and Taerah Talavereis is its truth … its breath … and its song … She who Her people have entitled “Gamut Obscura Requiem” … the purity of death … the fire of the damned … the spirit of ice itself …


A vast space filled with crisp, frosted air, like every other room in the Castle Losgunna, this was the throne room of Taerah Talavereis. At the end of the pale, blue carpet stretching from the entrance of the door to the very back of the room was Her silver throne, with its gem-enclustered frame, jewel-stoned knobs and soft blue velvet cushions. Here She sat, Her poise so perfect, almost lifeless, Her eyes so emotionless, that it would have startled anyone had Her lips parted and She begun to speak. That, however, did not happen. Instead, it was impossible to discern whether She was observing or listening to the nervous guard before her, or as it often was, to something else far away within Herself.   

Xaeviere Moigersavoi finished his status report on the Lureian Military’s Combat Training Regime’s progress and stood resolute, waiting for Taerah to either respond or dismiss him. While he waited he took in Her countenance, with the care and propriety befitting Her divinity. Taerah still stared at him, but whether past him or into him, he could not be sure. Then Her eyes focussed on him for the first time, and She nodded Her head in acknowledgement of his report.

“You may go.”

Xaeviere took in a controlled breath, bowed, and left. The moment he neared the door, his heart released its deep, suspended throb. Her voice was stunning … a rustle in the air … hush and innocence … dreams and softness … like the echo of falling snow. Shaking himself loose of his inappropriate thoughts, and focussing his mind on the evening meal to come, he walked away from the throne and exited through the grand, quartz doors, taking perfunctory note of their blue diamond knobs. 

Taerah’s eyes followed the receding back of the guard. She had barely paid attention to what he had said and no attention to him at all. He had wild hair; that was about all She could remember. Something about his eyes had caused Her to focus in on him for a moment, but She couldn’t define what or why.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1 “THE ECHO OF FALLING SNOW.”

I don't see chapter titles in modern fantasy for adults, but that's no reason not to use them. I think I had them for Prince of Thorns and was asked to drop them. It's quite a poetic line - I like it. 


Present. 87,500 FA

Moon Lurei. Castle Losgunna

What is the nature of white? Is it the absence of colour or the culmination of it? Is it the innocence of a flower or is it the death of the moon at the end of each day? Is it the ice of snow or is it the fire of sand? Is it the silver edge of soul and vision or the dulled and blunted neath-lands of a mind devoid of colour? White is a mystery and Taerah Talavereis is its truth … its breath … and its song … She who Her people have entitled “Gamut Obscura Requiem” … the purity of death … the fire of the damned … the spirit of ice itself …


World-building fragments to head up chapters aren't uncommon. Robin Hobb uses them. This is more poetry though and feels a bit indulgent here - it does (on further reading) tell us something about a (presumably) major character so there's that - it is pretty vague though.

A vast space filled with crisp, frosted air, like every other room in the Castle Losgunna, this was the throne room of Taerah Talavereis. 

Fantasy names are always a point of contention - Fred and Bill don't sound very 'fantasy' but T'quark-sha is a pain in the butt to pronounce and looks silly. These are heading toward too much but not so far out there that they might not fly. Your queen has 4 a's & 3 e's in her name ... and that's not all the vowels!

At the end of the pale, blue carpet stretching from the entrance of the door to the very back of the room was Her silver throne, with its gem-enclustered frame, jewel-stoned knobs and soft blue velvet cushions.

Encrusted rather  than enclustered I would put.

Jewel-stoned knobs reads awkwardly.

Adjectives are like spices. Without them the writing is bland. With too many it becomes unpalatable. And everyone has their own level at which it tastes best. If you're doubling up adjectives repeatedly you may well be over-spicing. So far you've had crisp, frosted / pale, blue / soft. blue. Also it's no crime to let a noun stand without an adjective ahead of it. 

Setting is important and you want to give us some visuals. Specifics are important - if you just say something bland like 'sumptuous' throne room that doesn't work so well. 

If you're emphasizing the grandeur then rather than spend your adjective budget on the colour of things (soft blue, pale blue) I would be specific about the expense - not 'gem-encrusted' and 'jewel-stoned knobs' but 'strewn with sapphires' or 'worked with seams of rubies' - there we have something specific - sapphires or rubies rather than gems or jewels, and the colours come in for free - rubies and sapphire pull them out of the reader. 

Here She sat, Her poise so perfect, almost lifeless, Her eyes so emotionless, that it would have startled anyone had Her lips parted and She begun to speak. That, however, did not happen. Instead, it was impossible to discern whether She was observing or listening to the nervous guard before her, or as it often was, to something else far away within Herself.

This feels like disembodied narration - the author is telling me - it's not a character observing. 

'That, however, did not happen.' = wasted words - it's redundant, tell us what did happen.

Probably too many words spent here telling us that She sat as if carved, her thoughts unreadable.   

Xaeviere Moigersavoi finished his status report on the Lureian Military’s Combat Training Regime’s progress and stood resolute, waiting for Taerah to either respond or dismiss him. While he waited he took in Her countenance, with the care and propriety befitting Her divinity. Taerah still stared at him, but whether past him or into him, he could not be sure. Then Her eyes focussed on him for the first time, and She nodded Her head in acknowledgement of his report.

'Focused' 

You're pushing further into the 'too fantasy' sector of naming.

Dialogue is always (IMOHO) good. Even if it takes more words let's see X finishing his report. Note - I don't know if the Lureian military are Her own or the enemy's or a neighbour's...

"These Lureians train like madmen, Highness. One in five of their recruits dies on the field, but the companies made from the survivors are formidable. I pray we do not see them at our gates."

- now we don't need to be told what it's a report about. 

You've dropped from narrating into our man's point of view. So that makes this omniscient PoV - which has advantages but is also distancing, which doesn't help to hook a reader.

Some of this is over-wordy: Taerah still stared at him, but whether past him or into him, he could not be sure.

Xaeviere couldn't tell if She were staring past him or into him.

Or redundant: She nodded Her head in acknowledgement of his report.

What else would she nod? And why else?  

“You may go.”

Xaeviere took in a controlled breath, bowed, and left. The moment he neared the door, his heart released its deep, suspended throb. Her voice was stunning … a rustle in the air … hush and innocence … dreams and softness … like the echo of falling snow. Shaking himself loose of his inappropriate thoughts, and focussing his mind on the evening meal to come, he walked away from the throne and exited through the grand, quartz doors, taking perfunctory note of their blue diamond knobs. 

'focusing' 

More double adjectives - deep suspended / grand quartz / blue diamond

Wavering PoV when you tell us about things that really didn't matter to him (his perfunctory notes)


Taerah’s eyes followed the receding back of the guard. She had barely paid attention to what he had said and no attention to him at all. He had wild hair; that was about all She could remember. Something about his eyes had caused Her to focus in on him for a moment, but She couldn’t define what or why.

Now we hop back into Taerah's PoV. Head-hopping is generally a bad thing as it prevents attachment to a character and distances the reader.

++++++++++

So - the big question is what has this page 1 told us?

There's a queen in a nice throne room. A soldier reporting on training. She's not really paying attention. He's awed by her beauty / voice / high station but not sure if she was listening.

To be honest it's not much to go on.

There is, I guess, also a question about the nature of the queen's magic - what is 'the white'?

If her inattention were important - if the report were on a battle on the edge or her country or better at the city walls ... and she sat vacant while her kingdom collapsed - then suddenly her distraction is a problem, the report a threat, the deliverer of the report an important actor in this drama.

But instead the report seems pretty boring, and her lack of concern with it seems fair enough.

What is going to make me turn the page? What question has been posed? Only a vague one about why the queen is so detached.

For me this page 1 has too much description and doesn't pose enough question or introduce any tension.

It would work better if one of our two people (or both) were concerned about something. As a general rule, if the characters don't care, why should we?

Of course this could be a gentle poetic sort of tale that takes its time to warm up. Those are a pretty hard sell though - especially from a new author.

Those are my thoughts. Take what you wish from them, and I hope there's some help.


Others may have something to offer in the comments below.


Knicky has posted a new work that looks to incorporate some of the advice here: http://knickyla.com/2016/01/24/song-in-red-and-grey/






6 comments:

  1. Don't know about the mechanics, know about the feeling. Don't care how a writer does it, if he does it I read everything he writes. OldeYellerCat

    ReplyDelete
  2. I found the sentences too long and convoluted - I had to re-read some several times to make sense of them. I burst out laughing when I came to "taking perfunctory note of their blue diamond knobs". That sentence made me wonder if this was a wind up.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My first drafts were way worse. I recruited total strangers to beta read and begged them to rip it apart, recruited an editor and he bled red ink all over it, in the end their merciless beating made me a better writer.

    I think one mistake all beginners make is going by vision too much and not utilizing the other senses. I think it would be more dramatic if the writer showed how the ice blue doorknobs felt cold to the touch.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I don't mind a bit of poetry in the prose, something enigmatic that hints at a mystery. Other than that, I would suggest Xaeviere Moigersavoi's POV as the point of introduction to the scene. Putting us in the head of a single character gives more focus and definition, and a viewpoint we can identify with. Perhaps we can form a better impression of Taerah Talavereis through his eyes? Finally, does anyone notice a doorknob? I honestly don't know.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I've just released a book and was asked by a friend to send Mark the first page. Truth be told, I was a little nervous to do so. Not intentionally putting him on a pedestal or anything, but he's a somebody and I'm a... well, still trying to get there. Anyway, i was going somewhere with this. Oh yeah, I wrote over the last ten years around three, maybe four hundred thousand words. I binned more than what i kept, and a lot of that was over-descriptive scenes (aside from redundant, 'not-contributing-to-the-story-progression' characters). It's easy to do. You pat yourself on the back for sounding really clever. It feels like you are being artistic, poetic; it is seriously rewarding and feeds your ego to no end. But it makes the writing unpalatable, and for those that do not view your work as their baby, it's boring. I struggled to read Knicky Laurel intro, maybe because i needed to be smarter to appreciate it. There are hugely successful books that i gave up on because they made me feel thick.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Grimstone 360. Even established authors can fall in love with their own creations. You might apply such criticism to Robert Jordan, or George R R Martin, for example. On the other hand, finely written prose can be very rewarding and inspiring to read. It's just a not-so-simple question of getting it right.

    ReplyDelete