Monday 5 January 2015

WWJD?

What Would Jorg Do?


Introducing a new online counselling service wherein Jorg offers advice on matters as diverse as relationships, careers, and the destruction of one's enemies.



You're welcome to enter your questions in the comment section below, and Jorg will address them in a thoughtful and sympathetic manner when and if he can be bothered.

Watch this space.

This one here ---->


A Question from Denmark:

Dear Jorg,

My nefarious uncle killed my father, married my mother and dispossessed me of my rightful inheritance I initially planned to stab him while he prayed in church but thought "you know.... that's probably too good for him". Now I mope about the palace and get all emo with my crazy girlfriend. I think I could be happy if I forget about the past. Who knows, maybe i could go to dental school! Should I get on with my life or embark on self-destructive roaring rampage of revenge?

Sincerely,
Prince H. 



Jorg says:

Three things, Prince Hamlet. First, do not under any circumstances accidentally murder your girlfriend's father. Probably best not to do it on purpose either. These crazy types can be unstable. Secondly, watch out for poison. In the ear, in a cup, on a sword, wherever - just make sure you have a big jug of antidote on hand at all times. Thirdly, killing is always too good for treacherous uncles. Any good castle should have a nice deep torture pit somewhere. If you have trouble locating yours try consulting the manufacturer's website. Often they're on the underneath.

*****

Dear Prince Honorous Jorg Ancrath,

My professor of medieval literature gave me a B when I should have received an A. However, I am fond of the little man. I want him to suffer but I also want to have him live. I have thought about putting laxative in his coffee or perhaps to slash the tires of his car or perhaps I'll put some sugar in his gas tank. You know, things that would spoil his week but not hurt him too much. What would you do? 

Warmest regards,

Vivian's evil twin sister.



Jorg says:

Vivian - you're thinking in the right direction but lacking finesse. Firstly it's important the the error that has occasioned your anger is corrected. Secondly, context is always important in revenge situations. 

Capture your medieval literature professor and take him to a suitable medieval torture facility - such as the London Dungeon after hours. Strap the prisoner into a suitable correctional device and offer him the chance to regrade your paper. Remember to use the line given to us by the immortal Marcellus Wallace  I'ma get medieval on your ass.. Once the A has been delivered you may proceed to give as much correctional torture as you see fit.

****

Anonymous says

Dear Jorg,
I've recently become a manager in my job as an archivist. I have a compulsively lying disobedient fool on my team who will do pretty much any task other than the one I have assigned him. How should I handle this? Perhaps igniting a builders sun over his part of London?



Jorg says:

If you're the kind of archivist they have in the Natural History Museum, the kind that stores lots of little samples away in thousands of tiny drawers, then the solution is simple. Cut the offending team member into a great number of small pieces, label each, and store them in the appropriate drawers, ensuring that the labels are sufficiently boring to dissuade inspection, and that the reference codes don't appear in the main index.

An alternative, if you're the boring paper-based kind of archivist, is to tell the team member that they have been promoted, and that their new official job title is Compulsively Lying Disobedient Fool. The physical side of the punishment will have to rely on the tools of your trade. Immobilise the CLDF with sticky tape, then administer an appropriate number of paper cuts. You may have to use the stapler and scissors too if the problem continues.  


14 comments:

  1. Getting really tired waiting for Winds of Winter. What should we do to make GRRM write faster?

    Oh, and what do I do to win a Stabby?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear mister Jorg, how is there truth in religion if one group acceptably believes in this god, and the next thousand people devote themselves to another?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Jorg. I was watching the space, but nothing appears to be happening. Am I doing it wrong?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Jorg,

    My nefarious uncle killed my father, married my mother and dispossessed me of my rightful inheritance I initially planned to stab him while he prayed in church but thought "you know.... that's probably too good for him". Now I mope about the palace and get all emo with my crazy girlfriend. I think I could be happy if I forget about the past. Who knows, maybe i could go to dental school! Should I get on with my life or embark on self-destructive roaring rampage of revenge?

    Sincerely,
    Prince H.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dear Prince Honorous Jorg Ancrath,

    My professor of medieval literature gave me a B when I should have received an A. However, I am fond of the little man. I want him to suffer but I also want to have him live. I have thought about putting laxative in his coffee or perhaps to slash the tires of his car or perhaps I'll put some sugar in his gas tank. You know, things that would spoil his week but not hurt him too much. What would you do?

    Warmest regards,

    Vivian's evil twin sister.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear Jorg,
    I've recently become a manager in my job as an archivist. I have a compulsively lying disobedient fool on my team who will do pretty much any task other than the one I have assigned him. How should I handle this? Perhaps igniting a builders sun over his part of London?

    Thanks,

    VikingA

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey, Jorg,

    so, ehm, I'm the drummer in a band and I feel like I'm better than the others, but by faaar. I'm not an egomaniac girl, but you have to understand I'm simply made for better things than these guys I'm currently playing with. They are holding me back. They even made me sell my motorcycle, Jesus! how destructive can they get?

    So please tell me how I should make it clear to them that I am much much better and they should get the hell out of my band, so that I can keep the name? Mark you well, I need a subtle approcah here - the father of one of them is a policeman and things will get out of control, if I do bodily harm to any of them. (Okay, I'm better in Muay Thai than the daddy, but nonetheless.)

    What is your suggestion to a DrummerDamsel in distress?

    Thank you for your time, my Prince!

    Amy

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear Jorg

    My father-in-law has paid some guys to kill me and clean his way to the throne. I managed to escape, but he took my inheritance away. I left his (actually mine) territories and went to a friend's house in a near kingdom. What do you think I should do? Raise an small but strong army to hammer my way back to my throne, infiltrate the castle and kill him silently or leave him alone and live my life witthout the royalty business?

    Thank you (sorry if I spelled something wrong, I'm still learning your mother tongue)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dear Jorg

    My stepfather has paid some guys to kill me and clean his way to the throne. I managed to escape but he took my inheritance away. Then I left his (actually mine) territories and went to a friend's house in a near kingdom. What do you think I should do? Raise a small but strong army to hammer my way back to my throne, infintrate the castle and deal with him silently or leave him alone and live may life without the royalty business?

    Thank you, (sorry if I spelled something wrong, I'm still learning english)

    ReplyDelete
  10. dear jorg
    how are you?
    im from Syria ,and our president is as honorable ,fair,and kind as your father .
    from your personal expirence what do you think we should do?
    you see ,he is kind of stuck to the throne ,any advice?
    thank you
    your admirer Ola

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dear Prince Honorous Jorg Ancrath,I'm using your full name for I don't know what how you want me to address you by.I'm in a bit of a predicament and really pissed off.A Aunt of mine asked me what I was going to be when I 'grew up'. I told her a singer."it's hard to get into the music business."says captain obvious..No $&@?!Sherlock! Is what I thought ...she just won' listen because hours later trapped in a car."what if you loose your vocal cords?"what do I say she's my aunt and every single time I try to say something she twists it around until it a false statement.Then the other one pipes up.Both of them start suggesting careers that I would never have the patience or willingness to do.What do I do to get it through their thick heads I'll be whatever I damn well please?Thanks a bunch Jorg I really admire the help and counseling.Hope you stay safe where you may go.- Katherines Ghosts

    ReplyDelete
  12. Would love some Broken Empire gear. What would Jorg do or the road brothers braclets or tshirts would be awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hello Jorg.

    I mean, the dear prince Honorous Jorg Ancrath. Or should I call you king? Or an emperor? I don't know, I didn't get to the end of your journals.

    Anyways, Jorg. You are always entertaining and exciting, and if I may say, pretty epic. I want to become a person more similar to you, what should I do?

    And another question, sorry for so many, I want to write a book, I mean journal, like yours. An epic one. How will, can, and should I do it?

    Last question, What's your favorite color and why? Mine is red, because it resembles opposites and general symbols. Death and life, war & love, blood. (And it's pretty.)

    Your's truly, Dominick.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear Jorg,

    I want to conquer Eruope, how should I start? I thought I will ask somebody, who is experienced in this thing. What should I do? Maybe still a horse?

    Your's truly, D.

    Ps: Thank you for exsisting, kid (ノ´ãƒ®´)ノ*:・゚✧

    ReplyDelete