Monday 2 October 2017

Warlock of Firetop Mountain - the playing!

I started playing Dungeons and Dragons as a small boy back in 1977. Yes, I'm that old.

There are worse ways to misspend  a youth. By the time I reached my middle twenties I was mostly done with the game and save for a few years revival, when I GMed for my kids and one of their friends, that has been it.

The sad truth <violins> is that I don't have anyone to play silly games with anymore. </violins>

But perusing my shelves recently I happened across Steve Jackson & Ian Livingstone's Warlock of Firetop Mountain!

Image result for the warlock of firetop mountain

 So, I propose to play with myself in public, and not get arrested! And I'm going to do it until I die!

Cue a hunt for dice.

So, roll my character up. Grab a d6. I get 4,2,3 & 2. Which results in:

I've spent several days in an inn and trekked two days to end up reaching the Warlock's mountain with no money and ten days' provisions. I opted for a potion of strength rather than luck or skill. Its lack of hitpoints you die of!

I've picked up a bunch of rumours about the Warlock whose treasure I plan to steal. There are goblins, he has magic gloves ... maybe. He is either young or old or somewhere in between.

The folk of the village have grown to love me during my short stay and wave me off with tears in their eyes despite my being a murderous thief. 

It's unclear what crimes the Warlock is guilty of other than owning a significant sum in gold. For me this is enough. Imma invade his home, kill what needs to be killed, and take that treasure. My name is Kram Ecnerwal, fear me! 

And we're off.

A dark slimy cavemouth...

Image result for cavemouth

Sword out, flick the on-switch on my lantern, sniff for goblins, in I go.

A junction! West or east? Fuck junctions. I'm paralyzed by choice. 

<angst> Why must our lives balanced upon such arbitrary decisions? What value is free will when faced by blind choice? Lives are lived in such caves seeing only shadows on the wall. Do those who stand in the light of day think themselves any more in charge of their destiny than Kram Ecnerwal faced with such a sharp dichotomy?</angst>

I don't even have a coin to toss. East. East, dammit. I will not diminish and go into the west.

(turns to 278) 

A locked wooden door. I listen and hear nothing ... possibly something has crawled into my ear? Do I go back to the junction or charge the door down?

As if I, Kram, will go back to that junction hat in hand (note to self: acquire hat)? Nay. Charge the door.

(turns to 156)

I roll two dice, get 7, it's less than my skill. The door caves!

(turns to 343)

A cloud of splinters and I'm through ... but wait!

"But your heart jumps as you realize you are not landing on the floor, but plunging down a pit of  some kind!"

Be still my jumping heart. Falls into pits are just one of the pitfalls of the adventuring life. Kram dusts himself off at the bottom of a six-foot pit losing a mere 1 stamina.

It's a dead end. Kram trudges back to the junction and the westward journey that was ever his fate. The illusion of free choice has never seemed so thinly stretched over fate's skull-like countenance.

(turns to 92) 

Had Kram failed to open the door he would have been here with a bruised shoulder but his stamina intact. His much-vaunted skill has served only to damage him. He walks on vowing vengeance on all pits.

(turns to 71) 

At a right hand turn in the corridor a strange goblin-like creature is sleeping.

It's a fucking goblin, c'mon. Goblin-LIKE?

Against all his instincts to murder the goblin in its sleep Kram feels compelled to try to sneak past.

Luck is not with Kram, something crunches underfoot and the goblin's eyes flick open. This would not have happened if Kram had followed his first instinct. Well ... it might have ... but the goblin would have opened his eyes to see his headless body falling away.

(turns to 248)

OK, it turns out to be an orc. Kram vows not to leap to conclusions in future. The orc goes for a rope that may ring an alarm bell. You should have stayed asleep. Time to die orcy.


Kram lunges, a serious wound! 4 damage. That orc is hanging on by a thread. A backhand blow takes its head off. 

Kram notches his belt. Sorry, Kram-OrcMaster notches his belt! 

(turns to 301)

There's a door and Kram listens, hearing a rasping noise that may be snoring. Go through the door or carry on down the passage?

Let's face it, Kram came here to kill things, the Warlock's gold is just the golden icing on the blood cake. Whatever is snoring has snored its last snore. He tries the door.

(turns to 82)

A small, smelly room, a table with a box on it, a warty-faced creature sleeping on a straw mattress. 

Kram has learned his lesson. He does not assume this is another orc.

He feels his only options are to retreat or creep in to steal the box. Once again vicious murder is off the table, as is setting fire to the mattress. Kram frowns, sighs, and attempts to steal the box.

To his disappointment Kram's luck holds and he takes the box without waking the creature-that-is-probably-an-orc.

(turns to 147)

Kram leaves with the box. It contains a piece of gold which he pockets and a mouse which, against his better judgement, he releases, gaining 2 luck. 

(turns to 208)

Kram comes to a door on the side of the corridor. Nothing can be heard at it. He can try it or go on. 

When did life become reduced to such binary choices? He's in a dungeon ... where are his shades of grey?

Rather than be defined as an obsessive opener of doors Kram decides to mix it up a bit and go on.

(turns to 363)

Another door on the side of the passage. Someone is singing on the other side of it. Awful singing. The worst ever. This cannot pass. Kram tries the door. If someone thinks it's OK to murder a tune then Kram feels it's OK to murder them.

(turns to 370)

A small room, straw mattresses, table, candle ... the box is UNDER the table this time ... interesting!

Two warty creatures drunk on grog are responsible for the singing. Kram could slam the door and be on his way, or draw his sword and have at them.

Was there ever any doubt? To battle!

(turns to 116)

Two drunken orcs

                    SKILL STAMINA
First ORC      5            4
Second ORC  5            5

Kram skewers the weaker of the two with a lucky thrust through its mouth and out the back of its head.

At this point I notice that if I fail a luck roll I lose a point of luck and resolve to be more cautious in future.

Kram trades blows with the remaining drunkard and he dies the death of three cuts.

(turns to 378)

These orcs have green blood! Kram wipes his sword on the mattress and examine this box. 'Farrigo Di Maggio' it says on the lid. Open the box or go away? That's hardly a choice!

(turns to 296)

Hoorah! It contains a book from which Kram learns the Dragonfire spell.

I rock at this adventuring shit.

Kram notches his belt. Three nil, oooh yeah.

(turns to 42)

A junction, east or west. Kram Orc-Master is an east-leaning kinda guy.

(turns to 113)

Another mother-fucking junction, turn north or carry on east. Duh.

(turns to 78)

A heavy door, several things clattering pots and pans beyond... go in, or go back? The kitchens maybe? Kram's hungry. Hungry for killing!

(turns to 159)

Five orcs dining on rat-gizzard soup! Kram was promised goblins. Can't trust villagers for shit. He's going to keep on killing orcs til he gets to the goblins.

Kram spits on your option to try to back out unobserved.

(turns to 365)

The orcs attack Kram one at a time? Morons, don't they know he is the orc master? They deserve to die.

They go down one by one without landing a blow. Kram doesn't even work up a sweat. He brings the notches on his belt to eight.

(turns to 183)

A search of the dead orcs and their cupboards yields teeth, bones, nails ... meh. But Kram does gain 1 skill and regains full stamina. And there's a leather case half a yard long.

Will Kram open it? He's an adventurer. Of course he is going to open it. Does anyone ever not open this sort of thing?

(turns to 266)

Nice. Opening stuff pays off! And +1 luck. The additional luck only serves to make me realize that luck can't go above my initial score.

(turns to 237)

Kram heads back to the junction and goes north.

(turns to 285)

A door in the corridor wall ... a man screaming for help on the other side. Hmmm. Kram came here to steal treasure, not to help people. He carries on.

(turns to 314)

Another door in the wall, no sounds behind this one. Open or carry on. Kram tries the handle.

(turns to 223)

Locked. Bastard! Kram gives it a kick.

(turns to 53)

The door surrenders, splitting along its length and revealing a fine armoury!

Does Kram want to discard an item of equipment in order to lug a rather nice shield away? It's unclear what the consequences of leaving his armour, lantern, or backpack will be ... maybe it only means the bow he has? Nah. Shields are for wimps.

(turns to 300)

Another door in the corridor, metal this time, more tortured screams...

Not interested. Carry on.

(turns to 303)

Another junction but sealed by an iron portcullis. There are two levers. Kram can pull one or the other but not both ... why not both? Left or right? Once again the adventure balances on the knife edge of an unknowable choice...

Kram decides to pull the right lever, and hopes as well as being right that it is also correct.

(turns to 128)

The portcullis rises, no problem! East or west. East of course!

(turns to 58)

At a sharp bend northwards there's a bench to rest on and have a snack. Kram keeps going. It's killing he's hungry for.

(turns to 367)

The nine hundredth junction. East or west. Duh. Eastward and onward.

(turns to 323)

Another fucking junction and Kram's choices are north or east. Sigh.

(turns to 255)

A sturdy wooden door. Open it! Open it!

(turns to 193)

Ooo! Mosaics and inlays, a beautiful room with an iron cyclops statue, it's eye a big sparkly gem!

The inlays are all swirly but staring hard Kram manages to make out "this is an obvious trap, the cyclops will come to life and try to kill you.

Now ... Kram did come to fight and gain treasure. But not to stumble into traps. His plan is to stab the unsuspecting Warlock in the back and take enough gold away to make this gem look like a Xmas cracker gift. No thanks. Kram leaves.

(turns to 93)(turns to 8)

On, through a door, only to be jumped by a crafty barbarian axeman! To battle!


Three quick exchanges and the barbarian is food for the worms.

(turns to 273)

What treasure? Still, this mallet and stakes will be handy for the vampire they foreshadow, and this loincloth will make a nice handkerchief. Onwards!

(turns to 189)

A corridor a door, a splendid room. We're getting to the good stuff. Four fine paintings on the wall. Kram can charge straight through or stop to look at the artwork.

To be honest Kram's more about killing and stealing than art appreciation ... but there may be useful information that falls under the heading "casing the joint". So he looks.

(turns to 25)

Kram is face to face with Zagor the Warlock and he seems to be "an awesome adversary". He loses 1 skill! WTF! Fortunately Kram can hunt for a weapon with which to fight this loathsome enchantment.

(turns to 340)

Hmmm. That jewel might have been useful ... Kram could slash it with a sword ... seems a bit too predictable. Kram opts to hammer a stake into the portrait.

(turns to 241)

The stake is wrenched from my grasp and Kram loses ANOTHER motherfucking skill point. Bastard. He retreats in haste!

2 skill points down the shitter. That could make a big difference in fights...

(turns to 90) ignores a feeding stop (turns to 253)

A door, a pear-shaped room with a pile of rubble on which are two bits of wood joined with a rope.

Kram can study the rope, examine the wood, or carry on through the opposite door...

Hmmm. He checks the rope.

(turns to 125)

Curiosity gets the cat attacked by a snake! The rope turns into a freaking snake! Kram tests his luck and manages to discard it without harm. He hurries out through the door.

(turns to 73)(turns to 218)

The corridor turns rough and sandy and opens into a cavern through which a deep, black river races. There is a sign advertising the ferry for 2 gold pieces, a rusted bell to ring, a raft with a pole, and a rickety bridge.

Kram could ring for the ferry, take the raft, try the bridge, or swim for it. He only has one gold piece ... which might get him half way?

None of these seem like good options. However ... if the bridge collapses then it turns into a swim, so there is zero point in swimming from the start.

With a sense of impending doom Kram tries the bridge.

(turns to 209)(turns to 47)(turns to 298)(turns to 7)(turns to 214)

A plank snaps, the handrail gives way, Kram slips on moss, but despite it all he manages to avoid falling and makes it to the far side. Hoorah!

A wall covered in pretty moss. Kram can follow the river, take a passage or try the door in the wall. Kram tries the door. Maybe the ferryman is in there along with all the gold he's been collecting...

(turns to 104)((turns to 49)(turns to 122)

A corridor, another door, a dark room, a blow to the head, Kram falls senseless, -2 stamina. WTF?

Ouch. Kram wakes with the mother of all headaches in what looks like a barn hung with agricultural equipment and four armed zombies standing in the middle of it. That's four zombies, with two arms each, and weapons, not an unspecified number of four-armed zombies.

There are two doors. The zombies have notice Kram moving. He can attack, talk to them, or scarper.

It seems to Kram that he can still attack them if the talking doesn't work out, so why not start with than since the chance to take them surprise has gone.

(turns to 268)

Moans and groans is all he gets. A fight it is then!

(turns to 282)(turns to 115)

Kram takes them on! One by one, thankfully. As always Kram is poetry in motion but even poets tire and the final zombie manages to cut him with its axe before he demolishes it. Stamina down to 13 now...

Kram knows he's being watched by whoever animated these corpses. He can check out the body in the corner, the barrels, or the weapons lying around...

Are zombies worth notches since they were dead already? Kram decides yes and adds another for that barbarian bringing his tally to thirteen in all. Better kill someone new quick before bad luck sets in!

Tune in later for the further adventures of Kram Orc-Master!

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  1. Very, very funny. I laughed so hard. I can’t wait to see how you get on. Happy adventuring, Kram.
    Man, I used to LOVE these books.

  2. I used to end up with all my fingers crammed into different pages playing these books. Didn't have the will power to walk past any door!

  3. That brings back memories. I'm sitting here chuckling away while reading this and remembering how I used to cheat when then frustration got too much...